Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Drown Me.

Comfort I seek
and deep down within me,
I met you

I never knew you existed there
"and my soul kinda went, oh there you are! I've been looking for you"

We talked as if we were in love
We would stare at each other for sometime,
then turn away as if there was something to hide

But was there really ever a thing going on?

Or was it more like, "I've found comfort in you so thanks for that"

You know I dont judge
You know all I ever truly cared for was your happiness

It got too real, too soon

and at one point I might even thought I loved you

Feelings, though
I was never sure

It destroys me inside trying to let you go,
cause you feel like home.

I've let you in so deep that I might not be able to go as deep as that ever... again

So thanks for drowning me into this bittersweet whirpool.

Because if it weren't for you,
I would've never learned to swim.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Thoughts And Empty Spaces

cannot stop thinking

About life
about time
about death
about crime
about grief
about you
about me
and how "us" is only on my mind

a thought, no less
no more than an imagination that ran a little wild

a hope that went a little out of control

a love that seemed like a fairytale
because it never happened in real life

was it wrong of me for believing that we could actually be something?

maybe its just how I view this world

that I tend to dream a little more love and hope to easen my thoughts of this already miserable life

when you have seen and felt real life pain, hope is the only thing keeping you alive

a thought of a better tommorrow
a happier someday

I sometimes forget that these, are only my thoughts

my hopes

the thought of you,
the hope about "us"

has been keeping me,
feeling alive.

Thursday, January 9, 2014


I see you
Right there
Just sitting. And every now and then you look around

I wonder what's going through your head right now

Do you think about the clock that's hanging on the wall?
Do you think about the murmurs that are coming from the back of your ears?
Do you think about the white board and how it's no longer white?

Or do you think about me, and the life we could've lived?

We could've been invincible

We could've been something wonderful

Both of us could finally be happy
and we both know it.

So why did you have to go?

Why couldnt you just stayed?

I didnt need a label for us
I didnt ask for your 24 hour attention
I didnt expect a gift or a car ride back home

All I ever wanted was your presence

And that,
That is more than enough for my empty heart to finally feel whole

Sunday, January 5, 2014


7000 feet up in the air and what I wanted to do mostly is just reach out to you, I don't know what you've done to me but it seems like everywhere I go all I see is you. Your touch, your smell, your face, it lingers within me. I can't runaway from you, I can't shut myself away from you. Because there's a little me inside of you, and a part of you deep inside of me.

We've broken through each other's barrier, and well you have reached my most vulnerable spot.

In your eyes I feel nude
like a baby only a few seconds old

free from sin
from the filthiness of this world
from the emptiness of this horrid life

I've dumped all my most darkest secrets and memories in your face and still, you're there for me.

all of the things I've told you are things I couldn't even bare to admit to myself, yet you're still there for me.

you didnt judge me or ran off
you stayed with me

like through those hard cold nights when we would stay up till the AM and just talk the hours away

I never thought I would find someone like you in all these years

and here you are

only 7000 feet bellow me and a simple touch away


I never knew missing someone would consume me this much, I guess when you found the right person to waste your time thinking about then everything just follows

I have always restrained myself in love and even set up boundaries for myself. Of course there are times when I desperately wanted to fall in love but waiting for that perfect someone does make you a lil bit more patient.

and when you finally found that perfect someone, everything just falls into place.

"finally," you say to yourself.

but then what do you do when time is the only thing left on your list thats still not quite right?

timing is everything.

time is human's greatest enemy,
it builds restrictions for us.
yet, we humans are the ones who invented time.

I don't care whether it'll take more than a little time for me to be with you. All I know for sure is, I want you.

only you

and if that means I have to wait then I will

I would do anything for you, I wish you knew that. And I wanna be that light in your life, I want to help you see what this beautiful world has to offer you.

I want to be yours

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


If there’s one thing I loathe more than myself is the fact love exist.
How is this feeling even here in my life for I have never even felt warmth around my very own mother?
I can no longer tell when she’s proud of me or even when she loves me for who I am.
She always speculates all these bizarre things about me, and because of that I couldn’t even learn to love myself.
How hard it is to even look at yourself in the mirror and not believe in who you are because your very own mother yanked out your beating heart.
She’s perfect but is perfection really what’s essential?
You know the saying; the quest for money is a hollow journey.
But then again, maybe love is important after all.
How can you begin to love another being, if you don’t even love yourself?

16 December 2013

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Heartwarming Words From A Dear Friend Of Mine

Hi Bel!
Jadi sebenernya gue sadar lo ultah dari midnight tapi I thought it would be too mainstream dan lo kan indie and I suppose you don’t like mainstream things HAHA.

Ini bakal agak jijik dan I don’t know why I’m doing this but to be honest, I just feel the urge to write this as a small token of gratitude for our friendship.

So, okay here we go.
You and your love for literature are two things that may never be separated. I have said this several times and I’m sure you're probably sick to the stomach upon hearing this yet again. You do really have a way with words. The way you eloquently form your sentences out of phrases, the way you spill your vivid imagination into writings, the way you make me jealous every time you ask me to comment on your articulately written blog post.

A lot of people can have perfect grammar and wide range of vocabulary. Those are just the tools, yet without the creativity that you have, those skills will simply be abstract thoughts lingering to be formed into constellations. You are an aspiring writer, and I know that maybe later in life when I’m checking out the best seller section in a book store one of your books will be there!

You are two personalities crammed into one soul. Sometimes you can be a melancholic person but at times you can be humorous and entertaining to talk to. A little melancholy is good as it can act as a little paint to your writer’s canvas or seasoning to your homemade meal of letters but remember, be careful because too much will turn you into a vulnerable grenade waiting to burst into a million pieces. You balance your dark side with the hilarious and embarrassing everyday actions and sometimes failed attempts at telling jokes.

You are a great dancer, a sympathetic listener, an emotionally mature person (despite the occasional tumbles in life which is perfectly normal) and someone I can lean on through the good and bad times.

And on this very day,
You, the aspiring writer, the melancholic soul, the self proclaimed class clown, the great dancer, the sympathetic listener, the emotionally mature person, my shoulder to lean on is……TURNING 16!!

So… HAPPY SWEET 16 BELLA!!! May 16 bring you the best life has to offer and become a year when you start to make your dreams come true. May you be blessed with joy and hope. May you always have the strength to face whatever challenges life throws at you!

-Farisa Machmud