#2

7000 feet up in the air and what I wanted to do mostly is just reach out to you, I don't know what you've done to me but it seems like everywhere I go all I see is you. Your touch, your smell, your face, it lingers within me. I can't runaway from you, I can't shut myself away from you. Because there's a little me inside of you, and a part of you deep inside of me.

We've broken through each other's barrier, and well you have reached my most vulnerable spot.

In your eyes I feel nude
like a baby only a few seconds old

clean;
free from sin
from the filthiness of this world
from the emptiness of this horrid life

I've dumped all my most darkest secrets and memories in your face and still, you're there for me.

all of the things I've told you are things I couldn't even bare to admit to myself, yet you're still there for me.

you didnt judge me or ran off
you stayed with me

like through those hard cold nights when we would stay up till the AM and just talk the hours away

I never thought I would find someone like you in all these years

and here you are





only 7000 feet bellow me and a simple touch away

okasama;

If there’s one thing I loathe more than myself is the fact love exist.

How is this feeling even here in my life for I have never even felt warmth around my very own mother?

I can no longer tell when she’s proud of me or even when she loves me for who I am.

She always speculates all these bizarre things about me, and because of that I couldn’t even learn to love myself.

How hard it is to even look at yourself in the mirror and not believe in who you are because your very own mother yanked out your beating heart.

She’s perfect but is perfection really what’s essential?

You know the saying; the quest for money is a hollow journey.

But then again, maybe love is important after all.

How can you begin to love another being, if you don’t even love yourself?

16 December 2013

Heartwarming Words From A Dear Friend Of Mine

Hi Bel!

Jadi sebenernya gue sadar lo ultah dari midnight tapi I thought it would be too mainstream dan lo kan indie and I suppose you don’t like mainstream things HAHA.

Ini bakal agak jijik dan I don’t know why I’m doing this but to be honest, I just feel the urge to write this as a small token of gratitude for our friendship.

So, okay here we go.

You and your love for literature are two things that may never be separated. I have said this several times and I’m sure you're probably sick to the stomach upon hearing this yet again. You do really have a way with words. The way you eloquently form your sentences out of phrases, the way you spill your vivid imagination into writings, the way you make me jealous every time you ask me to comment on your articulately written blog post.

A lot of people can have perfect grammar and wide range of vocabulary. Those are just the tools, yet without the creativity that you have, those skills will simply be abstract thoughts lingering to be formed into constellations. You are an aspiring writer, and I know that maybe later in life when I’m checking out the best seller section in a book store one of your books will be there!

You are two personalities crammed into one soul. Sometimes you can be a melancholic person but at times you can be humorous and entertaining to talk to. A little melancholy is good as it can act as a little paint to your writer’s canvas or seasoning to your homemade meal of letters but remember, be careful because too much will turn you into a vulnerable grenade waiting to burst into a million pieces. You balance your dark side with the hilarious and embarrassing everyday actions and sometimes failed attempts at telling jokes.

You are a great dancer, a sympathetic listener, an emotionally mature person (despite the occasional tumbles in life which is perfectly normal) and someone I can lean on through the good and bad times.

And on this very day,

You, the aspiring writer, the melancholic soul, the self proclaimed class clown, the great dancer, the sympathetic listener, the emotionally mature person, my shoulder to lean on is……TURNING 16!!

So… HAPPY SWEET 16 BELLA!!! May 16 bring you the best life has to offer and become a year when you start to make your dreams come true. May you be blessed with joy and hope. May you always have the strength to face whatever challenges life throws at you!

ONCE AGAIN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

-Farisa Machmud

Dreamers by Ted Hughes

We didn't find her - she found us.

She sniffed us out.

She sat there

Slightly filthy with erotic mystery.

I saw the dreamer in her

Had fallen in love with me and she did not know it.

That moment the dreamer in me

Fell in love with her, and I soon knew it

The You?niverse

Here I lay helplessly as I try to count the stars sparkling with such grace on a melodramatic sky. Have you ever wondered who sprinkled them there? Or do they just come out of nowhere?

And as for tonight there's this one star that just couldn't stop grabbing my attention. It's bright and it looks like as if it's not too far from here. But truthfully it's a few light-years away from the tip of my forehead. And I feel like I could reach that star and tug it under my pillow, give it warmth that lacks in the outer space.

Then again its years from where I stand.

Funny how empty space could make us think that things that supposedly lay thousands of miles from us is just standing bare on top of our heads.

Maybe it's the way we view things, that humans tend to simplify and choose to ignore the complicated facts behind just about everything.
                                                         
But, then again I could be wrong.

I've always wondered what it feels like to live billions of light-years away from something or, someone; how such a tremendous space exists.

It is though, the real distance of where we live to planets out there that we haven’t discovered yet. Imagine knowing someone who lives that far.

But then again, we don't seem to know a lot about people in neighboring countries or even our very own neighbor who lives right across the street.

Well, how about you? How many years do you stand from this very moment? How many more years will it take to finally meet the love of my life?             

I know this seems silly and I'm shouting into the darkness here. 

But I really do want to know, 

I really do. 

Recent Thoughts

"I'm not sad, I’m happy. I feel like I’m happy because I’m at peace with the way that things are... I did have a darker filter on sometimes, but that slowly lifted through doing a lot of different things. And finding true love is something that really did inspire me, lyrically. Because I felt so much the same for so much of my life and then when you find someone exciting, you don’t know that you could actually feel differently than you did before. I was inspired"
-Lana Del Rey
You inspired me Lizzy

Like Tasting Defeat for Dessert

Like Tasting Defeat for Dessert

by Nabilla Utami

So you say life’s a drag but you've only been living a few seconds outside of your mother’s warmth. You haven’t taste the slightest bitterness of “life” I presume? And yet here you are complaining as if you were going to explode in mere seconds and your head would be a fine piece of art, hanging on top of my bookshelf. And your tangerine skin turned pale red, as if there was such a color as pale red. Your screeching voice, echoed through the hollow halls of this deserted asylum and your cries, desperately trying to fight its way out.

I know this is not the dream but it’s not too bad once you get used to it. The painful needle would only sting once and that… won’t probably be enough. Once you’re here, you would kill for freedom. And I might as well tell you, freedom feels like a heavy bag of all your sins.

It is now time for them to hold you down with that big belt that’s probably never been washed since the last time a person has spilled his darkest secret, and his internal organs. You keep on shouting, and helplessly throwing kicks into mid-air, thinking it will free you somehow. But it just won’t work. Shouts of mercy comes flying from your mouth as they try to shove “the system” down your throat.

Its noon and the pain is now unspeakable. Tears crawl slowly from those emerald eyes of yours, as if they’re trying not to wake you up. But you’re not going to wake up.

You’re not.

You lay there, tired.

Tired of carrying all these things you've been keeping to yourself.

All these things you could never share to anyone else, because they just wouldn't understand.

You carefully peek through your now-soggy eyes, trying hard not to make a sound.

Your hands shiver while you grab the mug that’s been sitting a while beside your bed.

You take a sip, and finally tasted defeat.

Happily Depressed

To my conclusion, it seems to me that I am struggling with depression. Or more like, living with depression since I don't really feel like I'm struggling with it.
I like it's company.
Depression keeps me occupied for a thought or two.




But sometimes I wonder, why do I feel this way?
Why do I constantly find myself drowning my joy into a painful thought of life, death, and all the other things in between?

I am not suffering from any chronic disease, nor any economical crisis. To be honest, the house I rest my head during the night is pretty nice. And the material pleasure that surrounds me during the day is, pleasurable.
 
Safe to say that my life looks perfect.








Perfection bores me.









I want my life to be an adventure, and as cliche as that sounds well it is the truth.
I long for the taste of freedom. But I'm finding myself more and more like a house pet each passing sunrise.

I'm afraid some day I'll wake up, not having the urge to seek freedom and finally surrendering to whatever it is that's always been tying me down.

Or maybe the blame for these sensitive moments are in the absence of a lover? (Here we go again, blaming love and all)

Well, there has been some days where I find myself wishing there was someone who I can call in the middle of the day just to tell them how beautiful the sunlight is and how I can't wait for the moon to come in during the night to match the sun's beauty.

But such person could only exist in my most childish thoughts. Because grown ups don't think about love, all they think about is 'how much money will I be taking home to my wife and kids tomorrow?' Well maybe that is some sort of love, but too often have these adults get trapped in such quest for material things that they tend to forget that true love lies from within.






Love.
What a depressing emotion that is

Awkwardness, et cetera.

Tonight the stars thought it might be better for them to stay hidden
They told me something big is going to happen
And two days later there was a dolphin knocking on my doorsteps

I told them, "this is madness!"
They told me I was too blind to realize sooner
They told me the world has gone mad

Where have I been all this time?
Was I too busy trying to disguise myself?
I cannot face a world like this
As far as I could remember, I was only twelve

But that was a thousand and ninety five days ago

I looked at this new world in awkwardness
I have never felt more alone
Everyone looked very sad
and Everything looked almost dead

A sunflower was as cold as winter
and winter became as evil as our dying love

I cannot help anyone here
They all resisted me
I cannot be anyone here
For they refuse to look at me

What have we all become?
Have we lost our hearts somewhere yesterday?
Have we all forgotten what it's like to be human?
Are we even living?

I know I'm breathing
But there is no life.

Should we all die like our love
Or should we try to live?

I have looked down and under for an answer
Left and right, there was no one who would bother
I tried looking up
I saw the stars, but their eyes are all shut

To My Last Heartbreaker

Yes as you can read on the title
I'm writing this song for you
No, I'm not begging for your love
No confessions of feeling blue

The rain starts to pour heavily
As I remember the day I start feeling empty
We were laying down on a warm August day
Our thoughts in the air
And your fingers in my hair

And as my hands start to linger
I hear your words start to anger
"Why, my dear?" I question
But you left in a hurry situation

I followed you to the dark
And then I saw her arms on yours
I hurry out as I was in shock
Reality, tearing down the walls
Walls of our happily ever after
Fading away
One hit after another

"How could you do this to me?"
I asked you bluntly
"Doing what, honey?"
You try to run away from me
Never you confess
All the lies and mess
But now after its all said and done
After goodbye and realizing you weren't the one


How do you feel? I wonder
Was it worth it to leave it all behind?
What was it were you after?
Satisfaction or a chance to rewind?

All these questions now fill the empty spaces between us
We were once so strong
But you just had to let it go


Wait what am I doing?
No, I won't go back to this!
What is it with us
That makes it so hard to just leave it all behind?

Let's just stop right here
And put an end to our story
But I hope one day
You won't wake up filled with regrets
Looking back at your life
And say "oh I'm such a tragic mess!"

Cry

This explains it all:

My Beautiful Struggle

Here I am in your arms
Questioning myself, "how did I get here?"
I've always thought of us as best friends
Ones who would battle together our fear

And now I find myself attracted to you
I feel like as if there's some kind of magnetic field pulling us together
I tried to fight it
But it was no use
Your charm
Your sense of humor
And just the way you are stole my heart away

I never intended for "us" to happen
I was certain that we would just remain friends
But somehow, something happened
And somehow here we are now




A couple


It's odd I must confess
But it's a good kind of odd




Some people say we're taking it too fast
Some even said that you're just taking advantage of me
And stupid of me, I started to believe them

I even question my own feelings towards you
Am I really in "Love"?

Love.

What a funny word to say


What is love?
How do you know when you're in love?
How do you fall in love?
Can the amount of love towards a person change?


I wish I didn't believe in love
But love is just those kind of things that makes life easier

And to be loved by you.....
Well it's a hell of a ride
Yes, you do make me feel like I'm on top of the world
Yes, you do tell me just how beautiful I am to you
and you tell me you love me, every single day



But there's just something about you that I don't quite get

You're some kind of a beautiful struggle my dear

And I don't mind

Written by Nabilla Utami on the 29th of May 2012

So Far Away

Here I am wishing I was asleep
Counting the minutes till the alarm would wake me up
I found myself floating away in a dream
Where I was in a wonderful place with you

As we talked and hold each others arms
I remember the way you always ask the same question
How you were so slow in understanding
And so you ask me again

Angry?
Yes I was
But now I wish I wasn't
I wish I had given you the chance
To tell me stories about your past

I heard you were such an adventure
Full of life and filled with things I've always wondered

We continue walking towards a magical cave filled with dreams of our youth
We splashed around in a rainbow ocean
And then we rest among the stars



I woke up from my dream and took a deep breath
Dragged myself across the room
Looked into the mirror and sighed

I wish I could call you right now


But now you're in a better place
A different world that aren't so mean

Now you're so far away
And I'm here wishing to meet you again someday


Written by: Nabilla Utami
Date: 18 April 2012